Today I put my wedding rings back on.
I took them off about 15 years ago when the grudge started.
The grudge was because I expected my husband to fulfil my every need. I had idolised him. I put him in the place of God.
My husband was my knight in shining armour when we got married, and I placed this insurmountable burden on him without even realising.
The fact is that I was expecting him to fulfill the parts of me that only God can fulfil. I had placed my husband above God. And because he couldn’t fulfill the God shaped hole in my heart, I unconsciously started to hold a very low level, almost unnoticeable grudge. Subconsciously I must have always been thinking “What am I getting out of this?” rather than “”What can I give to this marriage?”
Over the next 15 years this grudge effected my relationship with God because, without realising, I was not putting Him in the first place in my life. I was not recognising God as provider. I always felt this terrible separation from God, but I didn’t know why.
When my husband became ill 3 years ago, my earthly provider stopped being able to provide. And because I had put him in the place of God, I had no where to turn.
The fear I felt in those years is something only an atheist would understand. I couldn’t feel God near me, and I had no idea it was my own doing.
A few weeks ago it reached crunch point. I had already reconciled that I couldn’t leave, but I felt I couldn’t stay either. Who would provide for me?
It was after reading the ‘Healing of Families’ book that I realised I had been harboring this grudge, and that my relationship with my husband and with God was out of sync. I took all that to confession, along with a few other things.
I felt the fear lift. I felt the grudge go. I felt my relationship with God fall back into place. And I felt free to love my husband – agape Love, unconditional love, for the first time ever in our marriage.
He asked me “Why have you decided to do this now? I can’t provide anything for you right now.”
I told him “This is the perfect time, the FIRST time I have ever been able to love you unconditionally.” 😊
I now recognise God as provider, and the love in my relationship with God, and with my husband has grown immensely. I am now free to love. And my husband is free from the burden of being put in the place of God.