Pope outlines several new types of contraception for Catholics.

FrancisPlane

In an unprecedented interview yesterday Pope Francis reminded Catholics that they are not supposed to “breed like rabbits” and then went on to outline several newly acceptable forms of contraception.

When asked about birth control by Italian journalist Dolmio De Fungi, the Holy Father said “We should not be breeding like rabbits” and then unusually went onto clarify: “When I say ‘we’ I mean ‘you’, not me – I’m the Pope, and besides, we are both men!”

The Holy Father then went on to say “There are several types of Vatican approved contraception available to Catholics that are completely in line with Gods plan for Marriage and Family life: Dressing gown and slippers for example.”

When asked how reliable ‘dressing gown and slippers’ was in regards to limiting pregnancies within marriage, the Pope answered “Remarkably effective. Scientific studies show that when used in conjunction with other acceptable forms of contraception such as rollers and hair-nets or Avocado face packs, there is almost zero chance of sexual intercourse occurring.”

St. Dorothy of Cotton, an Avocado face pack, and St. Nora Batty - patron saint of remaining hostile towards male advances.

St. Dorothy of Cotton, an Avocado face pack, and St. Nora Batty – patron saint of remaining hostile towards male advances.

“And it’s not just the responsibility of the woman.” The Holy Father revealed. “Husbands too must take responsibility for limiting the amount of children in their families.” He went on to quote an often overlooked section of the  Catechism of the Catholic Church saying that “CCC9560 paragraph 2 states that: wearing a ‘socks and sandals’ combo, forgetting her birthday, lounging around on the sofa all day and farting in bed are all totally acceptable forms of male contraception.”

“What about onesie’s?” asked journalist Dolmio De Fungi.

“Mortal sin.” replied the Holy Father. “There is nothing funny about dressing up in a giant romper suit. We are trying to limit the number of babies – not dress in their clothes. And besides, they are totally impractical when you get up in the middle of the night needing the loo.” 

Two former Catholics (now excommunicated) wearing mortally sinful matching onesie's.

Two former Catholics (now excommunicated) wearing mortally sinful matching onesie’s.

When asked if it was really morally acceptable for a woman to go about the house in dressing gown and slippers all day in an attempt to look as unattractive as possible, the Holy Father answered “Maybe she’s had a hard day? Maybe the kids have been driving her mad for hours and hours? Maybe she has a headache? I don’t know – who am I to judge?”

22 thoughts on “Pope outlines several new types of contraception for Catholics.

  1. If this has not been submitted to Eye of the Tiber (or did not come from there) I insist you submit it. =) Great laugh. Off to put on my slippers and robe.

  2. Pingback: Pope outlines several new types of contraception for Catholics. | Christians Anonymous

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